Lose the map

Welcome to LoseTheMap, former diary of travels around Asia, then account of everyday life in Moscow, and now with my family in Berlin - VERSIONE ITALIANA

Saturday, June 25, 2011

Getting married, making babies... and redtape!

During a lifetime there those experiences which... leave a trace!

Russian marriage and baby making

There you are, dear Russophile, this is what would happen to you when you decide to get married and make babies in the beautiful MotherRussia:

First of all you will go to one of the many ZAGS around the city (I think for foreigners there's only one available), and you'll enter these useful safety gates:

Russian marriage and baby making

You will be welcomed by this nice Babushka; first she will finish reading the interesting article in the gossip journal, only after that maybe she will look at you as if you're asking for the moon:

Russian marriage and baby making

And then she will send you to the 2nd floor, 3rd door to the right: the office of this company "Rainbow Photo", which is ready to provide the best equipment for the best day of your life:

Russian marriage and baby making

Yes, the most beautiful day of your life will be exactly like this!
So now you will sit down with this nice fatty woman and discuss all the detail of your wedding:

Russian marriage and baby making

After you have chosen the photographer, what kind of setting you want for your wedding, which dress you are ready to buy, how many jewels you intend to dress up, which kind of limousine you want, where in the city you want the limousine to take you, in which spots the limo should stop so that you can have a nice photo session, and where finally you want the limo to drop you off, then you're done.
In order to obtain any of these services, of course, you have to pay.

You will be given a couple of days in which your wedding has the right to be, and you will happily choose one of them available on the tight schedule of the ZAGS.
You invite your friends, or don't invite anybody - that's up to you, and get ready!


Russian marriage and baby making

This is the hall of your wedding room, where you will wait together with other 6-10 couples which are going to get married on your same day!
You'll go there with your passport, go to one desk to sign papers, to another to drop your rings, to another to sign other papers, to another to queue a bit and finally you're in!

Russian marriage and baby making

Once in the official wedding room a nice Babushka full of makeup will chatter something in russian and you'll have to be awake enough to say "DA!" when she stops talking and looks at you smiling!
After you've said "DA!" and hopefully your wife as well, you're almost there: exchange rings, a kiss, a photograph, a stamp on your wife's passport and you're officially MARRIED!

CONGRATULATIONS!
Now you can go out and be the king of the city on your limo:
(The following photos are NOT my own marriage!)

Russian marriage and baby making

There will be at least other 6 limos waiting in line, don't mistake!

Russian marriage and baby making

And now your friends will gather around you...

Russian marriage and baby making

And everybody will congratulate the bride:

Russian marriage and baby making

Example of heavy-metal couple getting married:

Russian marriage and baby making

And now the limo goes around the city:

Russian marriage and baby making

And everybody is casual an happy, in style:

Russian marriage and baby making

Of course the bigger the limo, the better! This one doesn't even fit my camera!

Russian marriage and baby making

Easy eh?
So now you're a happy family, all you need is to make a baby:
The nine months of waiting will flow smoothly, and if you will choose a private clinic to assist you beware of the "terror-therapy": the doctor will tell you that MAYBE you or your baby have some problems, in order to make further examinations and further analysis, which you have to pay for. Only after several moments of paranoia and anxiety, and a lot of cash in their pockets, they will tell you that everything is ok!
If you choose free health system, well good luck! There is the queue, just sit down and wait for somebody!

And finally the moment comes...
Interestingly enough this is how Russian public health care system treat childbirth:
(here I'm talking about public hospitals - usually private clinics can make some exceptions to the following points (paying)):

From the moment your wife enter labours and you enter the hospital with her 3 nurses will take your wife and tell you to sit down there in the waiting room and wait.
Yes, you are not entitled to assist your wife in the most important moment of her life, and what's even more interesting is that you cannot see your wife and child even after the delivery!

The nurse will tell you that THE RULE is that the father cannot support the wife, cannot see her while and after the delivery, and for the following 2-3 days you will NOT be able to see them!
God knows why, but she will reassure you that they will take care of both your wife and your child

You will have opportunity to bring her food, once per day, of course not by person but through a babushka who will bring the plastic bag containing food and water to your wife.
Rules are beautifully summed up in this board:

Russian marriage and baby making

INFORMATION:
Gynecology department open from 9.00 to 15.30 except Saturday and Sunday (admission to medical abortion is strictly on an empty stomach)
Discharge from hospital: every day from 14.00 to 16.00
Visits: from 17.00 to 18.45

DELIVERY HOUSE RULES:
When you visit follow this guidelines:
1 .Enter only in spare shoes
2. Enter with the children is strictly forbidden
3. Coats, hats, bags to leave in the cloakroom
4. Visit strictly from one person (FOOD ONLY PASS IN PLASTIC BAGS)

ALLOWED TO PASS :
1. Milk and dairy products (based on the date of storage)
2. Fruits and vegetables
3. Juices and mineral water
4. Cookies
5. Boiled meat, soup

FORBIDDEN:
1. Cigarettes
2. Canned goods
3. Sausages
4. Smoked food
5. Chocolate
6. Citrus fruit and strawberries
7. Cottage cheese (Tvorog)
8. "Jonathan" apples

And this will be the schedule that your wife will follow for these 2-3 days of imprisonement:

Russian marriage and baby making

DAILY SCHEDULE
5.30-6.00 - Rising, morning toilet
6.00-6.30 - 1st feeding
6.30-7.30 - 1st room cleaning, ventilate room
6.30-7.00 - Medical procedures
9.00-9.30 - Breakfast
9.30-10.00 - 2nd feeding
10.00-12.30 - Rounds of doctors, medical procedures
13.00-13.30 - 3d feeding
13.30-14.00 - 2st room cleaning , ventilate room
14.00-14.30 - Lunch
15.00-16.00 - Quiet hour
16.30-17.00 - 4rd feeding
17.00-18.00 - Medical procedures
18.00-18.30 - Dinner
19.00-19.30 - Medical procedures
20.00-20.30 - 5th feeding
20.30-21.30 - 3rd room cleaning, ventilate room
23.30-24.00 - 6th feeding
24.00 - Evening toilet, sleep


Russian marriage and baby making

And that's how you are going to see your wife after delivery, from the window OUTSIDE the hospital!

Russian marriage and baby making

You must be lucky enough that she's on the first/second, maximum third floor, otherwise you'll be cut off from communicating

Russian marriage and baby making

And that's what she will see from the window: messages from helpless fathers who write on the asphalt "Thanks for the baby" with a chalk.

All in all you will learn many things from this experience, and probably you will be a stronger man, once at home with your new family!

And after several days of fatherhood and motherhood all you need is to queue for several hours in a windowless tiny corridor in order to get your marriage certificate and your son's birth certificate (you'll have to endure two separate queues) :

Russian marriage and baby making

And when it's your turn you will feel the heavy burden of the Russian red-tape on you like a gigantic stone, and you'll have to fill up an endless form before having the right to obtaining the birth certificate.
If you make any kind of mistake, you'll have to rewrite the whole form again!
But don't worry, you're almost there: and after many hour spent in despair and bewilderment, probably you will get what you need!

Russian marriage and baby making

Yes you made it!

Russian marriage and baby making
Marriage certificate

Russian marriage and baby making
Birth certificate

The last and equally stressing step of this life-changing experience is to go to your lovely consulate, in my case italian:

Russian marriage and baby making

And register both marriage and birth certificates (once you have apostilled and translated), so that your wife and kid are legally existing also for your country. You will have to convince your compatriot at the desk to NOT write the patronymic name for your son, and double check with your local municipality in your home country that fuck-ups in papers are as less as possible, so that hopefully one day both your wife and son will have an italian passport.... and that's it!

And now you can enjoy a life full of love and fun!

Russian marriage and baby making

That's it! Big love and Big Russia!

1 comment:

- English Dad In Moscow - said...

My god what an experience only for the brave. Thanks for writing this its excellent and I will link to it on my own blog under FAQs.